What is Emotional Independence?
People often ask me, “What do you look for in your life partner?” I almost always say, “Emotional Independence!” But, what exactly is that? Well, the short answer is having the ability to address our emotional problems by ourselves, without relying on someone or something else. Care for a long answer?
Well, before we start thinking about emotional independence, let’s think about independence first, and how it differs from dependence and interdependence in the context of interpersonal relationships. Dependence is when a relationship seems less than the sum of its parts, independence is when both seem equal, and interdependence is when the relationship seems more than the sum of its parts. Too abstract? Let me explain…
It might be easier to understand physical dependence, independence and interdependence first. As infants, we are physically dependent on our parents for the simplest of things like mobility, food, hygiene etc. As we grow older, we learn to walk, figure out a way to get food when hungry, maintain an acceptable level of personal hygiene etc. — we started becoming physically independent. As we grow even older, our physical needs grow further as well, and so does our ability to meet them. We eventually enter into a relationship with our partners and satisfy each other’s physical needs — a physically interdependent relationship.
It might also be easy to understand financial dependence, independence and interdependence. As kids, we are financially dependent on our parents. We start becoming financially independent when we begin earning for ourselves perhaps. When we enter into a relationship, we start taking financial decisions that would benefit not just ourselves, but our partners as well — a financially interdependent relationship!
Now that we have a feel for physical and financial dependence, independence and interdependence, let’s venture into the emotional territory. If we are emotionally dependent, we would rely on someone or something else to excavate us out of our emotional sinkholes. Emotional independence then would mean that we posses the strength to overcome our emotional distress by ourselves alone. Continuing this line of thought, an emotionally interdependent relationship would entail that not only are the people in the relationship emotionally independent, but also possess the ability to support each other through their emotional ups and downs. Unless we are emotionally independent ourselves, we can’t fathom to be in an emotionally interdependent relationship.
So, there you have it — emotional dependence, independence and interdependence! I’m sure you can understand why emotional independence is the first thing I seek in a life partner.
